It fills me early in the morning
flailing inside my chest
like and angry screaming thing
its fury thuds behind my eyes
it brings my breath in short sharp gasps
and flood my eyes with tears
the dread is a fear that wakes me from my dreams
its 2 in the morning and I am awake
there is something in the room
my panic fills me, blinds me
my vision swims as sleep pulls me back under
where i dream dark dreams until 4:48
the alarm goes off and its time for work
the dreads is here once more
my palms start to sweat and my pulse speed up
i swallow and am chocked my saliva
a hot tear pours down my face
the pillow is already damp where my head has been
All this hastle for a day at work... So not worth it!
Friday, 15 May 2009
Monday, 11 May 2009
Holding hands with the sky
Swooping past, high, over head
Her darkened beak doth point the way
Her wings outstretched and there she's lead
The Gods hold her hands, so she doth not stray
You see their fingers within her feathers
As they spray out at the ends
You never see the Gods though,
They have their own paths to mend.
The Crow is but a messenger
a helper for the wild lords
she tells us of the dangers
and helps us cross the fjords.
Over the roads blessed with water
Lies another land just out of reach
for this is where the faerie folk
watch, dance, sing and teach.
So over field, hill and barrow
The Crow doth fly so high
you’ll see her outstretched sprayed out wings
holding hands with the sky.
Her darkened beak doth point the way
Her wings outstretched and there she's lead
The Gods hold her hands, so she doth not stray
You see their fingers within her feathers
As they spray out at the ends
You never see the Gods though,
They have their own paths to mend.
The Crow is but a messenger
a helper for the wild lords
she tells us of the dangers
and helps us cross the fjords.
Over the roads blessed with water
Lies another land just out of reach
for this is where the faerie folk
watch, dance, sing and teach.
So over field, hill and barrow
The Crow doth fly so high
you’ll see her outstretched sprayed out wings
holding hands with the sky.
Sunday, 10 May 2009
Where did the Bardic Path begin for me?
That’s the first of the essays and project I'll be doing for a while.
Welcome to my online Blog following my rise to Bard-dom. I'm following "the Bardic Handbook’s” 12 month course on becoming a Bard and it's been suggested that writing an online blog for others also starting their path would be good and it would also be the start of a 'sort of' performance for myself so... without further adoo...
Greetings, my name is Crydwyn Louise. I started life as Gemma Louise Crydwyn Holt. Born in a small hospital somewhere in the suburbs of Birmingham, the name 'Gemma' came about when my mother tried to call me Jenna, but couldn't pronounce it because of the epidural. That was the 1st stroke of fate.
The second stroke was to fall just seconds after when my parents had decided to give me the middle name me Crydwyn in honour of my Nan.
My Nan, who now walks in the Summerland, had died almost exactly a month before, and in her parting had bestowed the gift of her wonderful Welsh name upon my head. So Gemma Louise Crydwyn Holt was born. The Crydwyn name remained hidden behind the others for the first few years of my life, only coming about when I wanted to show off my interesting heritage (and cool name!) and that’s where it stayed...
But mean while in the grand web of life, in a small 'L' shaped kitchen. Wooden and white units covered the walls. The windows were steamed up from a recently boiled Kettle. There was a cupboard under the stairs which doubled up as a laundry room. The dining room sat to the opposite end making the 'L' shape longer. It was just getting dark making the steamed up little kitchen quite intimate. I had asked my parents to sit around the dining room table in the cute way a little 4 year old girl does, and there they sat, knowingly asking how long I'd be.
"Just a minute" I told them, as I tucked the bed sheet I'd found folded up in the laundry, down my collar to create a makeshift cloak.
"Are you ready?" I called, and amongst their cheerful reply I jumped out from behind the cupboard to face them "MAKE A START FOR... GEMMA" I shouted, and they all clapped, as I then started to sing the nursery rhyme most popular at that moment (which was usually Bah Bah Black Sheep) and so it went on,
In later years I got up and did karaoke-but we won’t go there. *cringe* There’s only so much Tina Turner to this day that I can cope with after that phase of my life. But let’s just say that singing and acting up for the audience was always my thing as a kid. When I went High school I joined the choir and did a bit of touring, nothing too major (and believe me my voice is nothing too special, I can hold a tune, that’s about it) I joined a few of the school plays, I must admit, I think it was to dress up and show off more than the actual play. The during sixth form, I studied theatre studies. It was a very good course and of course the exams were oral exams which meant performing. I'm not a particularly good actor either certainly not very believable when it comes to Greek tragedy but then again I'm a pretty happy person or maybe I just didn't try very hard, I was at school after all. but that was my performance history in a nutshell, and to be quite honest, that’s pretty much where it ended.
It’s not been so many years since then but a lot has happened. My finding Paganism is probably the most life changing of them all. I had been a pagan from birth almost, although I had never really known the word for it. I had always liked nature and the world around me, but I think my love of nature had come from my parents, my love of music and my film choices.
Now there is a lot of criticism over the amount of TV children watch in recent times but I don't think it’s how much they watch, it’s what they watch that can make the difference. I was brought up on Labyrinth, Dark Crystal, Jason and the Argonauts, Lord of the Rings (of course) and Sinbad, so my thirst for fantasy and adventure had been whet.
My parents read me bed time stories and would help me expand my imagination but helping me build dens and teaching me how to draw. Their open mindedness is undoubtedly the reason I am who I am today. We would go out on drives and get ourselves lost on purpose and see what mysteries and ‘undiscovered’ surprises we could find. We would holiday in Wales a lot, one of my favourite times we hired a cottage with a pony called Eric. Seeing the country side in its unspoilt glory always amazed me. I was fortunate as a child to have parents that loved Britain and its history, for many-a-time would I go to castles and ancient battle grounds and places so steeped in history it was as intoxicating as a fine wine, waiting for the perfect year to be sampled.
Finally my music taste... Music has always been a big part of my life also, not so much the playing as I’m still tinkering around with my guitar (us Sagittarians’ never get anything finished!) But the listening was always my escape. I would fall to sleep every night with music playing in the background. (a hibit I’ve only just recently grown out of) When I was a kid I wasn't like any normal kid I knew. I listened to mo-town and rock music, and my favourite at the time had to be classical. I remember lying in my bed at night falling to sleep the beautiful sounds of Holst and his planet suits (especially Jupiter, even today that holds a special place in my heart) all the way to Beethoven and his unfinished symphony. They were all my loves. I remember listening to Jupiter thinking of vast and flowing fields of green, Kings and Queens in their vibrant best, castles, servants and knights bearing their colours. The imagery was so rich that even today the colours in my mind are as luminescent as they were as a 6 year old.
These things have twisted and changed and have formed my love of Britain and of History, and of the great wealth that Paganism has to offer. It wasn’t really until I met my fiancé that I found my path. I’d always dabbled and looked into things but even though I had classed myself as a Pagan, He has helped me understand who I am and where it is I should be pointing myself. Paul and I (that’s his name... the other half) have been going to a sword fighting re-enactment group for a while he’s been training to be a swordfighter where as I had been looking into the other guilds. I enjoy making jewellery and as my names sake suggests, I also love gemstones, so I joined the beading guild, then I heard about the Bard's guild. Before that moment I had never really thought about being a bard. So I went and I sat in on the workshop that was going on. It was interactive, where everyone had to add something to the story. It was wonderful, and best of all I was able to keep up and think of something. It was fun. It got me thinking about joining the guild and maybe doing it outside of the society.
A few weeks late I’d gone to Treadwell’s bookshop in London and I found the Bardic Handbook by Kevan Manwaring. I had recently been introduced to Damh the Bard (an artist I seriously recommend!!!) I thought it might be interested looking into the Bardic traditions. So I looked up my names today to see what inspiration my parents had gifted me with, and they’ve oddly gifted me well! ‘Gemma’ was a Medieval Italian nickname meaning "gem, precious stone". It was borne by the 13th-century wife of the Italian poet Dante Alighieri. (bit of a coincidence, as I’ve always enjoyed reading and writing poetry) Louise is of old German origin, and its meaning is "Famous Warrior". (Again, I do sword fighting, another coincidence me thinks) and finally Crydwyn (It seems likely that it is a derivative of Cerridwen) means "blessed poetry" from Welsh cerdd "poetry" and gwen "white, fair, blessed".
How interesting eh? Well that’s me; this is how I started on the road which will hopefully be a long and rewarding one! Hopefully, If you are thinking about becoming a bard, hopefully this should give you some inspiration.
If you're looking for the Bardic Handbook by Kevan Manwaring the ISBN no is:0-906-362-67-9
Thank you for reading and wish me luck. xxx
Welcome to my online Blog following my rise to Bard-dom. I'm following "the Bardic Handbook’s” 12 month course on becoming a Bard and it's been suggested that writing an online blog for others also starting their path would be good and it would also be the start of a 'sort of' performance for myself so... without further adoo...
Greetings, my name is Crydwyn Louise. I started life as Gemma Louise Crydwyn Holt. Born in a small hospital somewhere in the suburbs of Birmingham, the name 'Gemma' came about when my mother tried to call me Jenna, but couldn't pronounce it because of the epidural. That was the 1st stroke of fate.
The second stroke was to fall just seconds after when my parents had decided to give me the middle name me Crydwyn in honour of my Nan.
My Nan, who now walks in the Summerland, had died almost exactly a month before, and in her parting had bestowed the gift of her wonderful Welsh name upon my head. So Gemma Louise Crydwyn Holt was born. The Crydwyn name remained hidden behind the others for the first few years of my life, only coming about when I wanted to show off my interesting heritage (and cool name!) and that’s where it stayed...
But mean while in the grand web of life, in a small 'L' shaped kitchen. Wooden and white units covered the walls. The windows were steamed up from a recently boiled Kettle. There was a cupboard under the stairs which doubled up as a laundry room. The dining room sat to the opposite end making the 'L' shape longer. It was just getting dark making the steamed up little kitchen quite intimate. I had asked my parents to sit around the dining room table in the cute way a little 4 year old girl does, and there they sat, knowingly asking how long I'd be.
"Just a minute" I told them, as I tucked the bed sheet I'd found folded up in the laundry, down my collar to create a makeshift cloak.
"Are you ready?" I called, and amongst their cheerful reply I jumped out from behind the cupboard to face them "MAKE A START FOR... GEMMA" I shouted, and they all clapped, as I then started to sing the nursery rhyme most popular at that moment (which was usually Bah Bah Black Sheep) and so it went on,
In later years I got up and did karaoke-but we won’t go there. *cringe* There’s only so much Tina Turner to this day that I can cope with after that phase of my life. But let’s just say that singing and acting up for the audience was always my thing as a kid. When I went High school I joined the choir and did a bit of touring, nothing too major (and believe me my voice is nothing too special, I can hold a tune, that’s about it) I joined a few of the school plays, I must admit, I think it was to dress up and show off more than the actual play. The during sixth form, I studied theatre studies. It was a very good course and of course the exams were oral exams which meant performing. I'm not a particularly good actor either certainly not very believable when it comes to Greek tragedy but then again I'm a pretty happy person or maybe I just didn't try very hard, I was at school after all. but that was my performance history in a nutshell, and to be quite honest, that’s pretty much where it ended.
It’s not been so many years since then but a lot has happened. My finding Paganism is probably the most life changing of them all. I had been a pagan from birth almost, although I had never really known the word for it. I had always liked nature and the world around me, but I think my love of nature had come from my parents, my love of music and my film choices.
Now there is a lot of criticism over the amount of TV children watch in recent times but I don't think it’s how much they watch, it’s what they watch that can make the difference. I was brought up on Labyrinth, Dark Crystal, Jason and the Argonauts, Lord of the Rings (of course) and Sinbad, so my thirst for fantasy and adventure had been whet.
My parents read me bed time stories and would help me expand my imagination but helping me build dens and teaching me how to draw. Their open mindedness is undoubtedly the reason I am who I am today. We would go out on drives and get ourselves lost on purpose and see what mysteries and ‘undiscovered’ surprises we could find. We would holiday in Wales a lot, one of my favourite times we hired a cottage with a pony called Eric. Seeing the country side in its unspoilt glory always amazed me. I was fortunate as a child to have parents that loved Britain and its history, for many-a-time would I go to castles and ancient battle grounds and places so steeped in history it was as intoxicating as a fine wine, waiting for the perfect year to be sampled.
Finally my music taste... Music has always been a big part of my life also, not so much the playing as I’m still tinkering around with my guitar (us Sagittarians’ never get anything finished!) But the listening was always my escape. I would fall to sleep every night with music playing in the background. (a hibit I’ve only just recently grown out of) When I was a kid I wasn't like any normal kid I knew. I listened to mo-town and rock music, and my favourite at the time had to be classical. I remember lying in my bed at night falling to sleep the beautiful sounds of Holst and his planet suits (especially Jupiter, even today that holds a special place in my heart) all the way to Beethoven and his unfinished symphony. They were all my loves. I remember listening to Jupiter thinking of vast and flowing fields of green, Kings and Queens in their vibrant best, castles, servants and knights bearing their colours. The imagery was so rich that even today the colours in my mind are as luminescent as they were as a 6 year old.
These things have twisted and changed and have formed my love of Britain and of History, and of the great wealth that Paganism has to offer. It wasn’t really until I met my fiancé that I found my path. I’d always dabbled and looked into things but even though I had classed myself as a Pagan, He has helped me understand who I am and where it is I should be pointing myself. Paul and I (that’s his name... the other half) have been going to a sword fighting re-enactment group for a while he’s been training to be a swordfighter where as I had been looking into the other guilds. I enjoy making jewellery and as my names sake suggests, I also love gemstones, so I joined the beading guild, then I heard about the Bard's guild. Before that moment I had never really thought about being a bard. So I went and I sat in on the workshop that was going on. It was interactive, where everyone had to add something to the story. It was wonderful, and best of all I was able to keep up and think of something. It was fun. It got me thinking about joining the guild and maybe doing it outside of the society.
A few weeks late I’d gone to Treadwell’s bookshop in London and I found the Bardic Handbook by Kevan Manwaring. I had recently been introduced to Damh the Bard (an artist I seriously recommend!!!) I thought it might be interested looking into the Bardic traditions. So I looked up my names today to see what inspiration my parents had gifted me with, and they’ve oddly gifted me well! ‘Gemma’ was a Medieval Italian nickname meaning "gem, precious stone". It was borne by the 13th-century wife of the Italian poet Dante Alighieri. (bit of a coincidence, as I’ve always enjoyed reading and writing poetry) Louise is of old German origin, and its meaning is "Famous Warrior". (Again, I do sword fighting, another coincidence me thinks) and finally Crydwyn (It seems likely that it is a derivative of Cerridwen) means "blessed poetry" from Welsh cerdd "poetry" and gwen "white, fair, blessed".
How interesting eh? Well that’s me; this is how I started on the road which will hopefully be a long and rewarding one! Hopefully, If you are thinking about becoming a bard, hopefully this should give you some inspiration.
If you're looking for the Bardic Handbook by Kevan Manwaring the ISBN no is:0-906-362-67-9
Thank you for reading and wish me luck. xxx
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